...and the winner is....

not us. Hemingway said, "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee." I do not think of bells tolling as good things. They are warnings or markers of sad moments. I remember my mother telling me about being alone in the little cottage near Mansfield Ohio where my father worked in the Ohio state reformatory on Dec 7th, 1941. She said she kept hearing bells ringing - lots of bells. The peach tree outside her home scraped the windows in an onerous kind of way and she could hear the paper boys screaming out the call of a special edition on a Sunday - which was very unusual. She was scared and wished for my Dad to come home and somehow make it all right. He eventually came home - but it was not all right for a long time.

Flash ahead to 2008 in another Mansfield, Mansfield MA.Several weeks ago our family was dealt a blow when doctors began to research the possibility that Sawyer might have a weak link - chromosome link that is. How could this perfect little guy harbor such a secret? My mind could not fathom such fate - and my heart? well, it just couldn't tolerate such a blow ---not again.

The days and weeks went by - Dawn and Sawyer were here for a week and if we weren't in love enough already - well, Sawyer just drew us in deeper. Is it possible to drown in love? It is more like quicksand - once you are in - oh boy are you in!

And then it happened. The call. The one I had prayed so hard would never come. The doctors were right - Williams Syndrome had intruded into our little Sawyer's life. I have cried enough tears to float a battleship - I have railed at the heavens for this travesty- and yet nothing changes.

Hopefully, medical science has progressed since the days when doctors asked me when I would "put Scott away" - for the betterment of the family. I am sure they have made huge strides with behavior management and will be able to monitor and assist with his physical needs. That's the thing about Williams (at least from what I have read- and discussed with Dawn). There is a myriad of possibilities - from minimum to major problems. Many, we will not notice until many years down the road - and maybe never. (there comes the optimist in me!)

I look at pictures of Sawyer and his mom and dad over the last year and the thing that stands out most - is love. They love him so much and he loves them. So many people in so many places continue to pray for Sawyer - maybe we didn't get the answer I wanted for these prayers - however, Sawyer is still Sawyer. So many people love him and want the best for him.

I could be mad at God for this trial - and I was. But I still have faith that God will watch over Sawyer and guide those who care for him. I have no doubt Sawyer will make his mark in this world - doing it his way, and that is okay with me as long as I get to be a small part of his life. I may not understand why it has to be this way, but I am glad he is in my life. He is my heart!

I refuse to waste today worrying about tomorrow. The problems we fear the most may never materialize. I want to enjoy the smiles and sloppy hugs Sawyer gives out. I don't care if he smiles because he has Williams Syndrome or because he is just a happy little boy. I love my Sawyer and I expect great surprises from him, just as I did from his Mom and his Uncle Scott. We will face obstacles as a family - together we will help Sawyer be the best young man he can be ... and that's all we can ask of anyone!!

A Few Clarifications!

The picture above was made just minutes before I had to leave Providence to return home after Sawyer's birth. I look like a spot-lighted deer! When I think of that day I, for some reason, think of the old church song, "Joy, Joy, Deep in my Heart!" - that probably is not the name of it but it was so bubbly and explained the JOY that filled every part of my soul! Absolutely nothing could have made me happier than holding that little guy before I left. I think Dawn knew that - as she repeatedly call the NICU to allow us in before I left. It was her perserverance that gave me that moment and I will forever be grateful.

When I got to the airport, it was crowded and it ended up being a mad dash for the plane- through security and the myriads of people who were fearful of becoming stranded in Providence by the snowy weather that was going on outside. Thankfully, I did not get a moment to think or slow down, or I might have called Ed and told him -"Honey, I have been delayed - and I won't be coming back for oh... let's say 18 years or so - until Sawyer grows up!" As I told Dawn this week in the middle of our cry session - I would walk through fire for that little guy - anything - as would all of us who know and love him.

I have read literature about Williams Syndrome this week - I have cried and I have prayed. I feel confident that Sawyer's name went out from every church in Clarksville and Todd County. We lift him and his parents up to the God that created them and ask for his blessed intervention and mercy -against this darkness that Satan has brought into our lives. I in no way blame God for this - darkness is not a part of his plan. I rebuke Satan for trying to bring us down! Our lives and our hearts belong to God Almighty and all my faith is in Him.

We do not know what news will come our way in the following weeks. However, this Grammy will not let another day be wasted on "What if". Nothing that happens or does not happen will change the love I had for that baby on Feb 12th 2007 or on April 13 2008!

I remember when I got off the plane in Nashville on Feb 14th after holding that precious life - we stopped in the parking lot and looked at pictures I had taken just hours earlier - people wanting our parking place could just wait. I told Ed-"Oh Ed! You cannot imagine how much love comes out of that child! He is so wonderful and such a blessing in our lives!"

So for all of you who share my belief that God is all powerful - all knowing and all loving - lift up those prayers and ask for Sawyer to get good news really soon! As for Satan - he can go back to the portals of Hell where he belongs!!

Fact or Faith?

It has been an exciting year! It all seems to have been about Sawyer! We like it that way!!

There has been our share of worry - the early delivery- the hernia surgery - the recent scare with his heart... but now the biggest heartache of all.

When Sawyer had his 1 year checkup, his doctor thought he heard a cardiac problem. So he referred him to a pediatric cardio person. We waited and prayed about that and then Sawyer was given a good report! (Thank you Lord!)

That doctor (the cardiologist), suggested they see a geneticist. Having been through this with Scott many years ago, I thought it would be fruitless and did not worry too much before the exam.

Now, the doctor feels Sawyer has Williams Syndrome. Not something the average person would know about. It is rare 1/7500 births. It has varying degrees of medical complications and 75% risk of m/r.

Our hearts are crushed - even though the blood has not yet been tested. Dawn and Greg have accepted all the signs the doctors have pointed out. It is fate accompli with them. I do not criticize them at all for this. They are still in shock and reacting the best they can. Between the tears and the acceptance sits the same little guy that we have loved for almost 14 months.

I have alternated between tears, prayer and anger at the doctor that brought this to our doorstep. Why could he have not waited until he knew for sure to put a name on Sawyer's problem? Was he so wrapped up in his conviction that he never doubts himself? Did he forget that this is not Williams Syndrome Child #1 - this is Sawyer Matthew Low - and as I look at his pictures - I forget about labels and diagnosis - I see love and brightness and my Sawyer and I love him. None of us have guarantees of what our children will become. We can offer them the best and brightest education and they can turn their backs on it to become tatoo artists. Would I love him less? Absolutely not!

If you think I sound as though I do not entirely accept this edict from the big docs in Boston - well maybe you are right. I am still praying that God will make this right. That Dawn's heart can heal and the smile that this little guy puts on our faces comes without shadows. I cry for my fractured dreams, but I ache for my baby's loss as well. (Dawn).

Life is not always fair - but does it have to hurt so much? Please pray for this family - especially Sawyer! Lift him up to be strengthened and spared the darkness of this syndrome. Be patient with us - we may have to adapt our plans a little but we plan to continue to love this little guy and are so thankful he is part of our family! (PRAY HARD!!